So... it has been forever since i have posted anything... i know... i know... but the truth is, i am so overwhelmed.

i cannot believe that i am going to be a mom in 3 weeks (or whenever he decides to arrive). i mean, this is, in some ways, bigger of an event than me getting married. i mean, it is so permanent -- i am going to give birth to someone, and he's not going anywhere. not that pablo is going anywhere either, but it just feels bigger. it's hard to put words to.

i'm struggling again with the fact that i don't like kids. i have been around some in the last couple of months and i just do not have an affinity towards them. i am sure that when i look at our little one my whole world will change and my not loving or liking him will be out of the question, but it is still a fear that i currently have been thinking about.

i'm overwhelmed by all the things that still need to get done before he arrives -- i mean, he's arriving even if everything is done or not, but i'm affraid that i'm not prepared at all.

i woke up 2 mornings ago and thought, "man, i cannot wait til i can go a whole night without getting up at least 3 times to pee"... then it occurred to me, "oh yah, the only way that is happening is if i have this baby, and then it will be years before i get to sleep through a whole night... i guess i have it ok right now." but seriously, sleeping is getting really hard, and my body has begun to hurts. and it makes me feel like a wuss.

you guys, i'm going to be a mom. he is going to fully depend on me. how did these 9 months fly by? i thought, by this time, i would be more mentally or emotionally prepared, but i feel like i'm back to square one.

don't get me wrong, i am excited about having a baby, i just cannot wrap my mind around how dramatically things are going to change. i mean, the other day pablo and i were hanging out alone together because a couple people we had asked to hang out with couldn't do it. at first i was lonely and upset, and then i just looked at him and said, "we won't ever get to just be together like this again." i mean, i am pregnant (sidenote: am reaching weights that i NEVER thought i would ever get to!!), and there is no other way for it to end, other than for me to have a baby in my arms in a matter of weeks.

ok, so this post sounds extremely depressing and not what a soon-to-be-mom should be writing, but hey, you all love me right? and you love me inspite of me being raw and vulnerable, right? i sure hope so. i mean, that's kind of what i am counting on...

so, to draw this to a close, i guess i would just ask that you would be praying for me, pablo and this baby. i am reading the book, "crazy love" by francis chan (who is my other love, aside from pablo, buffalo wings and coffee ice cream right now), and it is rocking my world. i feel so stressed about life and francis chan's words are really convicting me. please pray that during this time, and the time to come, that i would feel and experience the LORD's presence in some rock-my-world kind of ways. also, again this is a bit of vulnerability, please pray that the LORD would be faithful to provide for us financially -- some things have happened in the last week with our finances that have put some significant stress/strain on pablo and i, and i am feeling like the hits just keep coming and that the LORD has forgotten to provide for us. so, if you can pray for those, we would be immensely blessed.

ok, well, thank you for letting me spill my ugly guts to you.
i love each of you, and i cannot wait to see each of you, whenever you are able to make it out here after the arrival of my son!