Waiting

this morning i woke up and went to church, which, to be honest, was a miracle b/c i never go to church when pablo is gone, but today i went (partly b/c i didn't want to see that look he gives me when he asks, "did you go to church?"). anyways, i went to church. and i am so glad i did b/c the LORD met me there.

the worship was ok and the message was really good, but after the message is when i met GOD.

our pastor occasionally asks for people to come up and pray for those in the congregation who need it -- i never respond to this. sometimes i feel like it's a charade, other times i just don't want to get out of my seat, or for some other reason i don't get out of my seat. well, today he called up 4 people from the congregation that have the gift of prophetic prayer, and asked anyone from the congregation that wanted should come and have one of them pray for them. from that moment on my body was not my own.

my legs took me up to the front, and placed me in front of a man that i have not had the best first impression of, and he began to pray. friends, the first thing he said was "i am getting the feeling of waiting" and when he said this, i lost it. tears, that i had no idea were in the wings just started flowing -- i had zero control of them. and then he continued to pray how the LORD has heard my prayers, He has heard my heart, and soon He will answer them. when he said this, my shoulders just sagged out of sheer... relief i guess is the word. the man said so much more, but i can't really remember it all (even though i was thinking to myself 'remember this! remember this!').

i have felt such despair that the LORD has not been hearing the prayers of my heart, that He has not cared about me, that the answer to my prayer of 'when is it my turn to be alive' has gone completely and utterly unacknowledged. i have been feeling so alone, and forgotten by the LORD. and today He said He sees me, He has heard me, and He will answer me soon.

of course i am a little apprehensive of this word "soon" when it comes to the LORD -- we all know about how His definition for the word is not necessarily our own... but man does it feel good to know that He knows my heart, and that He cares about it.

so, i am continuing to wait on Him -- but with expectation now.